Your Longest-Term Project: You

I wish I had read what I’m about to say in black and white instead of learning it through trial and error over the course of my (excuse my language) fucked up female experience, but that’s life, right? I can only speak for myself here, but I want to share something that maybe, just maybe, someone else can relate to.

I started hating diets, fads, the idea of magic pills, all these things that the health and fitness industry endorses a very long time ago because I’ve had some really awesome people in my life continuously express that nothing except hard work and consistency get you to where you want to be (whatever that may mean for you). That by no means translates to me not falling for them. I’ve switched up my diet, tried this and that health kick, paid for workout programs that promised toned bodies by the end, and what have you. It seems pretty messed up that by 23 years old, I feel like I’ve experienced the whole spectrum of relationship statuses just with myself. That’s probably the reality for most people my age and even younger, and that’s where it’s even more messed up.

Recently, a few things I’ve read or been told clicked in my head, and a lightbulb went off.

The first is a statement I read about sustainability. It said, ”We don’t need a handful of people doing zero waste perfectly. We need millions of people doing it imperfectly.”

At first, that statement seems to have nothing to do with the relationship you have with yourself. However, I read that and immediately thought, “that is so powerful”. I felt as if it did a number of things:

1. Emphasize that we need to work with what we have, not against it

2. Understand that no one is perfect and never will be

3. Shout from the hilltops that blame is overrated

4. Realize the power in imperfection

Then I thought of the relationship I have with myself and why that resonated with me so much. I have always been an all or nothing person. I’m in it 110%, or I’m not invested at all. It’s hard to maintain that mentality especially in context with body image. It wasn’t until I had this lightbulb moment that I felt like I changed.

I realized that I’ve blamed myself all these years for everything I have done or have not done. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no one else to blame, but I don’t want that baggage either. I do myself no good holding onto something that I can no longer control.

What resonated with me the most, though, is this: imperfection is the only way forward.

Read that again.

You know what goes hand-in-hand with understanding imperfection? The acceptance of it. The realization and ACCEPTANCE that imperfection literally means you will “mess up”.

I sat in whatever chair I was in, or more realistically, wherever I was lying down, and thought about how this is how I want to live my life.

I can’t be bothered to put so many unsustainable rules on myself. I don’t want to have to work out 5 days a week, save “treats” for the weekend, and restrict myself to fit any mold or standard. I have tried that a million times. I’ve promised myself I would start again and not fall off more than I can count. I have spent hours, days, weeks, and probably months collectively feeling terrible about not following my own rules.

So, I decided I’m not gonna have any rules. I’m not going to make myself do anything. It has taken until recently in my life to realize that inconsistent consistency is the only thing I’m good at, so I am not going to make myself do the opposite.

I have to accept that there will be days I snooze my alarm to skip my workout. I have to accept that there will be days I don’t eat a single thing that’s green. I have to accept that there will be days I spend being really unproductive and lazy, but that is just how this is going to work.

Life is not about giving it 100%, 100% of the time (for me at least). If I have that mentality, I am single-handedly setting myself up to fail. I know myself well at this point, and that means being really truthful about the fact that I love being extreme, but that is not what is sustainable or healthy for me in the long run.

The second thing that clicked for me in this lightbulb moment actually happened about five years ago. At the time, it was an “AHA” moment, and it’s even more-so now.

A very wise, inspirational guy I met in college used to eat ice cream every day. He would come back from the dining hall and eat an ice cream on a cone wherever he was spending his nights, which a lot of the time, were in my dorm room with my roommate and me.

One night my roommate and I asked him if he actually had ice cream every day, to which he responded, “yes”. We looked at each other wondering, “how can you possibly eat ice cream every day knowing that it’s not good for you?” We also asked this aloud to him. His response is one I will never forget.

Him: “Do you like ice cream?”

Us: “Yes.”

Him: “Does it make you happy?”

Us: “Yes.”

Him: “Then it’s good for you.”

We were utterly dumbfounded. Our jaws literally dropped, and we had an epiphany right then and there.

It was the first time I had heard someone associate “bad” food with “good” things. Obviously, food that’s been deemed “bad” usually tastes really good, but up until that point, that was the only positive association I had with “bad” food. Everything else, in my eyes, was bad.

But ice cream has so many positive associations with it. Now when I think of it, I think of running barefoot to the ice cream truck with $0.50 in my hand alongside my neighborhood friends and siblings. I think of slumber parties when my friends’ parents would set up a “make your own sundae” bar. I think of blasting music while driving with my friends to local ice cream shops at sundown on warm summer nights. I think of friendship, excitement, and love. And I’m talking about any form of ice cream— nondairy, homemade, or a good ole pint of Ben & Jerry’s. How in the world did I think ice cream could be so bad when some of my happiest memories involve it?

I’m really thankful for him dropping that wisdom on me. I don’t think I could eat ice cream every day and feel good, but I don’t know if I will ever eat ice cream again and feel bad.

So, to all those awesome people in my life who have told me that hard work and consistency get you to where you want to be, I have to say this:

It does take hard work. It takes a LOT of hard work. It also takes no work on some days. And it takes a lot of consistency, but more importantly, it will take inconsistent consistency.

I am building a life. I am not a short-term project. I do not want to look back at my youth or at any point in time and realize that I wasted so much time juggling this and that to be happy with who I am. Balance is something a lot of people strive for and talk about, but that word has never sat well with me. It wasn’t until recently that I realized it’s never sat well with me because I’ve never had true balance, and I always felt as if it were something I was chasing.

I truly think that for me, letting myself do as I please knowing that health is important and happiness is important is all the balance I’ll ever really need.